At first thought:
You did all the right things. You molested me on our first date, gave me a nickname, took yourself off the market, and stalked me via text and email. It burdens me to have to tell you that our love affair must come to a close. It appears we're looking for different things. I want an intelligent, non-psychotic man and it appears as though you want a girl with self-esteem so low that when you shove your tongue down her throat she translates that into real emotion and falls deeply in love with you.
With a heavy heart,
I realized that with the competence of a second grader he might mistake my sarcasm for true love and this could quickly take a turn into fatal attraction territory. My response was short, (not so) sweet, and to the point:
This is much too forward for me. I don't think we're looking for the same things. Good luck on OKCupid.
I did not expect a response. Who wants to respond to rejection? If I thought you were forward before, a response is DEFINITELY not going to reverse that feeling. Fortunately for you, Peter is committed to providing ongoing entertainment for my blog in the form of an email void of all spelling and grammatical rules. I present to you the explanation:
Katie your taking me way to literially. Iam sorry sweetheart let me explain. When i say i wanted you to come home with me of course i find you attractive and would like to ravish you who wouldn't. but iam a gentlemen and i can assure you nothing would have happen. More so than anything i didn't want you to drink and drive . I would had fed you show you my Cowboy gear and keep you safe and warm. believe me sex is not a problem for me what i want is a relationship with someone i enjoy and have common interest with. That's why i was kissing and hugging you because i like you. Remember when that girl came up to me a couple of times i think she was trying to hit on me but each time i would wrap my arms around and kiss you. and all she can say was that your pretty. and when you told me you have standards and wouldn't come home with me it did make me happy because i knew you were a woman i would like to be with because you have morals.
And about the slave thing lol. Wow what were you thinking naughty girl haha. I ment be my slave while still on the date just for a hour.
you know what i would have made you do ? i would have you to put your hand on me when we kiss. give me a big hug, slow dance with me,hold my hand. and other things to get you to show me affection. So when i texted you that night hoping you got home ok because i was worried.
and to tell you i had a great time you never replied. So i emailed you and i know i can be a bit blunt and strightforward with my words but that's just the easy,funloving,southern nature comming out. So i can understand how you might take it as being fresh and forward. So forgive for my choice of words. but you know what hurts my feelings? you let stew for 2 day not knowing if you got home ok. and you couldn't even tell me that you had a good time and you enjoyed spending time with me like i enjoyed you. that's what hurts the most because i really like you. i dont kiss and hug just anybody. but i guess i'll try to understand. so thanks for spending sat night with me. and i hope you find the man of your dreams. you'll make any guy a awesome girlfriend.
Big Hug and Kiss,
It's good to know that Petey-poo has taken a more formal approach to the email signing it Peter. I was completely unaware that "Big Hug and Kiss" was the new formal valediction. I'll have to update my signature block at work.
I was also unaware that his invitation to join him at home would entail being fed, seeing football memorabilia, and being kept "safe and warm". I'm not sure exactly what moment of the date I sent off an underfed, vulnerable, and frigid vibe but he certainly picked up on it. I mean, let's face it... he's pretty fantastic at picking up on vibes. When the girl next to me at the bar kept telling him how beautiful and adorable I was and how he should make out with me he read that as her hitting on him. Umm........... is that the new tactic? I should hit on guys by telling him to make out with other girls? WHERE WAS I DURING THE RISE OF THIS FLIRTING TECHNIQUE??
I will freely admit my inability to remember the simplest US and World History facts. History is not in my wheelhouse. However, I've seen enough TV and movies to understand the concept of slavery vs. sex slavery. Slavery never lasts for "a hour" nor does it involve slow dancing and showing affection. Of course my mind went to sex slavery. And, while I look damn good in black I'm not trying to get all dominatrix or submissive on a date, Peter peter pumpkin eater.
"That's what hurts the most because I really like you" should NEVER be a phrase uttered or written to the person with whom you just went on ONE date!! I'm sorry I managed to break your heart after 3.5 hours of my company. The takeaway is that HOLY SHIT I THINK I HAVE A SUPERPOWER. I never knew I could get a guy to fall in love with me that quickly. If this shit pans out I could TOTALLY be married with kids by age 30...which by the way is only 2 years 3 days away.
Will I be able to reign this power in? Will I continue to make everyone around me fall head over heels in love with me? Consequently, will I be spending a lot of time breaking hearts? Does my power work on people of the non-psychotic persuasion? Only time will tell.
All my love in a warm embrace with a light kiss on the forehead,
Katiebug Pin It Now!